he says again and again And he’s a biologist for the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito California He could literally write a book about the world beyond my world You could be so much more than you are he says But all I can hear is You’re not good enough And all I can think is He’s right It’s not his fault He was born to be a tan aquatic giant with both brawn and brain I was born to be Pudge That’s what he calls me It started as my mom’s nickname for a fat little toddler and it stuck even after she left us I doubt Dad even remembers my name is Austin Most days I push past his disappointment He lives upstairs I live in the basement He leaves for work at six a m I wake up at seven for school We only chat at dinner small talk How was your day Did we get any mail If my weight comes up the peace is shattered so it doesn’t come up Silence takes its place 2
Better hit the books he says when things get awkward So I head down for the night He thinks homework is hard for me but it’s not I may be fat but I’m not stupid Forty minutes and all the assignments I didn’t finish at school are done Then I’m free to play World of Warcraft my favorite video game as long as he doesn’t know about it Video games are a waste of energy he says illusions to distract you from real life He said the same thing about my art and my mother’s dream of being a singer I respectfully disagree Drawing keeps me focused Every doodle helps me learn And RPGs role-playing games are my life When I play WoW I’m the guy he wants me to be I haven’t been playing WoW long but when I sign on to the game from my laptop I am transformed I am Hippocrates an undead zombie priest and healer reanimated by the power of a banshee queen And while I’m a 3
beginner now I have a goal I want to level up and earn a spot in one of the most prestigious guilds in the game the Dead Druid Society I am committed I check my friend list and see my best friend Duffy is already logged in His handsome blood elf character Cyrano is bounding across a tropical landscape flirting with any player he thinks is a girl As I watch a conversation bubble appears on the colorful play screen Cyrano greets Briarrose Briarrose runs from my friend Your loss he types Another bubble opens Cyrano greets Silverstar Silverstar waves and then mounts her skeletal horse to gallop away Not getting much play I type in a private message Did you brush those elfin teeth before you hit the game or are you rocking corn chips 4
Duffy types LOL and then Skypes me so we can talk I gargled with vodka he says Does that count Pudge Duffy is only fourteen He doesn’t drink and neither do I There’s no way he’s gargled with alcohol But I let the fiction slide because I get why he said it In an RPG you can pretend to be someone you’re not without getting hurt like trying on a pair of Jordans you could never afford Ready to rumble he asks and I say yes If we want to level up we’ll have to master this five-person dungeon and a stack of quests and other missions But Duffy loves to do battle I’ll fight enemies too but I’m not the warrior he is In fact I’m hoping to search for herbs after the fight I’ll need ingredients to make powerful healing potions A troll warlock waits with us She swings her staff Her faithful pet leaps and sways anxious for the battle to begin Weird how pushing a few buttons can make you feel 5
