He put on his Pink Panther fake French accent He always mixes up the Pink Panther and Sherlock Holmes What a knucklehead That was some pretty exciting news I’d always dreamed of going to Paris I’d even made a list of the things I wanted to see First off was the Eiffel Tower of course No elevator for me I’d climb every one of the 1,665 steps to the very top and see the whole city at my feet Then I wanted to look at the spot where the Hunchback of Notre Dame took the plunge Next on my list was the underground stuff the metro that was a hundred times bigger than Montreal’s subway system and a boat ride through the sewers of Paris They both probably smelled about the same And I’d read somewhere that you could visit caves under the city where the Romans used to bury their dead You could see huge piles of skulls and bones by candlelight Try and picture that Not to mention the French Disneyland That’s right There is a French version of Disneyland not far from Paris I wondered if Mickey Mouse wore a beret and carried a loaf of French bread under his arm I couldn’t wait to find out We went into the living room where my parents were studying a gigantic map of France It looked as if every
little village and stream and castle was marked on this map of theirs Maybe even every mushroom And that was how I found out that we were not going to Paris after all My mother had her finger on the name of a village that was smaller than a speck of dust somewhere in the hills in the southern part of France When she took her finger off the dot I read the name of the village It was called Celeriac Sell-air-ee-ack I think that’s some kind of a vegetable Imagine coming from a village that’s named after a vegetable And not even a famous one either We have a big surprise for you she announced My brother and I looked at each other Our parents surprises usually mean bad news for us Like the time we nearly died in a sandstorm in the middle of the Arizona desert because they didn’t want to go to a normal place like the Grand Canyon Or that little picnic we had with the alligators in some swamp whose name I still can’t pronounce We’re going to live in Celeriac for a year my mother told us We found a lovely old house that’s walking distance from your new school And the countryside is breathtaking Isn’t that wonderful My brother and I stared at her Was my mother going crazy A year in France It’s going to be a real cultural experience my father
chimed in They have a great civilization there He started reeling off all the different cultural attractions we were going to enjoy Let’s see There would be castles and plenty of ruins courtesy of the Romans but without any skulls and piles of bones Pieces of aqueducts oppidums and all sorts of other things I had never heard of My father went on and on The trip was going to be like Asterix but without the jokes Or like a year-long history class without recess I looked at my parents They were smiling away But I couldn’t believe it They had secretly planned the whole trip without even talking about it with me I didn’t want to leave my friends my school and my neighborhood I didn’t want to spend a year in a tiny village named after a vegetable hidden away in the mountains somewhere How come parents think they can just decide for you It’s not fair And that’s exactly what I told them
You’ll make new friends my mother said You’re good at that It will be an incredible experience I’m sure it will change your life I like my life just the way it is You’ll remember the trip for years to come my mother went on You mean I’ll have nightmares every night You’ll see Charlie my father said It’ll be a great adventure And we’ll be back before you know it You’ll have some great stories to tell your friends I hated to admit it but he did have a point My friends were always pretty impressed by my travel adventures In the end I made a deal with my parents After our year in the village we would go to Paris and see everything on my list My little brother started jumping up and down like a frog He grabbed Miro our cat Miro he yelled Guess what We’re going to France I saw my parents look at each other Then I understood Miro wasn’t coming with us
