It was Melvin Goonowitz He's a gigantic bully in my fifth grade class I call him The Goon but never to his face His killer move is the Atom Smashing Wedgie Believe me you do not want your atoms smashed HEY MEATBALL WHERE YA ROLLIN yow kick LOOK DOG BREATH I FOUND THIS IN A DUMPSTER IT S A HONK KAZOO UH I THINK TUBA IT S A
OK SMART GUY I WANT TO HEAR WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE BUT I M NOT TOUCHING THIS GROSS THING WITH MY LIPS YOU DO IT LET S HEAR YOU PLAY UH OR YOU CAN PLAY IT WITH YOUR BUTT YOUR CHOICE I needed a plan Or I was gonna get crushed into creamed corn WAIT I I WANT TO BE A TOUGH GUY LIKE YOU HUH EVERYONE IS AFRAID OF YOU RIGHT EVEN OTHER BULLIES SO I FIGURE IF YOU CAN T BEAT EM JOIN EM THEN YOU DON T GET BEATEN them BУ
I LL TRAIN HARD I LL LEARN ALL THE BULLY MOVES LIKE WET WILLIES AND THE ATOM SMASHING WEDGIE NOOGIES I LL NEED A NEW NAME SOMETHING TOUGH LIKE THE PLAYGROUND PUNISHER OR THE CAFETERIA CRUSHER YOU BE LIKE ME NEVER GONNA HAPPEN PUCKER UP DORK PLAY SOMETHING NICE CAUSE IT S GONNA BE YOUR music FUNERAL
This was it I was going to die Kids will point at this spot and say Here's where Ralph was destroyed by a honk kazoo and I'll be a ghost yelling It was a tuba A tuba Can't you hear me PLAY YOU PUNK KRACKA-BOOM the WHAT
