His father Albert had worked as a store window cleaner moving down the street with his long-handled squeegee and his bucket of soapy water He began work early and he finished late but he barely made enough to survive At night exhausted he would look up at the cracked ceiling from the narrow bed in his rented room and dream about finding some way to make his life better Jeremiah’s mother Abigail ran a hotdog cart She didn’t own the cart She just worked for the man who did Mr Smerge Mr Smerge complained if her customers used up the condiments Too many pickles too little profit he scolded At the end of each week Albert would treat himself to a hotdog for dinner loading it with pickles onions hot peppers and sauerkraut He thought Abigail had a nice smile but he was too shy to start up a conversation Instead he sat on a bench near the cart and ate his hotdog by himself One day Albert felt something caught between his teeth sorry he said He tried to work it out with his tongue and then hoping nobody was watching with his finger When he looked up he saw the woman from the hotdog cart standing in front of him She was holding out a little container of dental floss Albert said thank you and tore off a piece of floss I’ve taken more than I need What a waste I’m so
There ought to be a dispenser that gives you just the right amount don’t you think And that’s when Albert’s eyes lit up Jeremiah had heard the story many times about how his parents had come up with the idea for their invention How his parents courtship was spent designing the dispenser Abigail did the research on laser calculation computer miniaturization as well as the dispensing mechanics Albert learned how to set up a manufacturing operation and distribution network Jeremiah understood that his parents had grown up with so little that they wanted only the best for him But he didn’t see why he had to be a gentleman as his father called it Why he had to know how to shake hands and call people Sir and Ma’am Why he had to wait until everyone else was seated before sitting down himself at the dining table You have to know how to behave around rich and That’s all right I do it all the time said Abigail powerful people his father said They expect a certain standard Especially from children Your mother and I never learned these things but you will It’s why we insist you take all those lessons So you will be an accomplished and impressive young man Jeremiah certainly did have a busy after-school program Every day at four o’clock one teacher or another rang the doorbell For ballroom dancing Etiquette Watercolor
painting Golf And of course piano Ballroom dancing made Jeremiah feel queasy He had to wear a suit with tails and a bow tie He had to dance around the empty ballroom with a woman old enough to be his grandmother Head up More manly Feel the music she would snap at him Painting lessons were a little better not that he was very good at it He tried to copy a self-portrait by Rembrandt but it came out cross-eyed His imitation of a landscape by Van Gogh looked like somebody’s plate after a spaghetti dinner Etiquette was merely boring He had to pretend to eat a meal without putting his elbows on the table and say These snails are delicious He got double points off for yawning or rocking his chair back and forth Playing golf he broke three windows and clipped Wilson the gardener’s ear Wilson yelped and dropped the garden hose spraying Jeremiah’s father who was bending over to smell a flower Worst of all were the piano lessons Because Jeremiah actually liked music He listened to his satellite radio all the time pop jazz rap heavy metal classic rock But Jeremiah’s piano teacher and his parents insisted that he learn only classical music There was nothing wrong with classical music except that it didn’t interest Jeremiah Maybe if his parents hadn’t forced him to appreciate it he would have liked it more But instead of going out to play he would have to sit up
straight and listen to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony while his mother exclaimed Do you hear it Jeremiah It’s genius genius Naturally they insisted on piano lessons What do well-bred people do in their spare time said his father They play classical music on the piano Isn’t that right Abigail Absolutely said his mother It’s the sign of a good family We can’t wait to see you in the next school talent night We’re going to be so proud Jeremiah knew he was sunk If he tried to argue his father would remind him that he had once washed windows for a living His mother would tell him again how she had once sold hotdogs My life Jeremiah Birnbaum said aloud as he lay on his bed and looked up at the copy of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel on his ceiling is a very expensive nightmare
