painting Golf And of course piano Ballroom dancing made Jeremiah feel queasy He had to wear a suit with tails and a bow tie He had to dance around the empty ballroom with a woman old enough to be his grandmother Head up More manly Feel the music she would snap at him Painting lessons were a little better not that he was very good at it He tried to copy a self-portrait by Rembrandt but it came out cross-eyed His imitation of a landscape by Van Gogh looked like somebody’s plate after a spaghetti dinner Etiquette was merely boring He had to pretend to eat a meal without putting his elbows on the table and say These snails are delicious He got double points off for yawning or rocking his chair back and forth Playing golf he broke three windows and clipped Wilson the gardener’s ear Wilson yelped and dropped the garden hose spraying Jeremiah’s father who was bending over to smell a flower Worst of all were the piano lessons Because Jeremiah actually liked music He listened to his satellite radio all the time pop jazz rap heavy metal classic rock But Jeremiah’s piano teacher and his parents insisted that he learn only classical music There was nothing wrong with classical music except that it didn’t interest Jeremiah Maybe if his parents hadn’t forced him to appreciate it he would have liked it more But instead of going out to play he would have to sit up
straight and listen to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony while his mother exclaimed Do you hear it Jeremiah It’s genius genius Naturally they insisted on piano lessons What do well-bred people do in their spare time said his father They play classical music on the piano Isn’t that right Abigail Absolutely said his mother It’s the sign of a good family We can’t wait to see you in the next school talent night We’re going to be so proud Jeremiah knew he was sunk If he tried to argue his father would remind him that he had once washed windows for a living His mother would tell him again how she had once sold hotdogs My life Jeremiah Birnbaum said aloud as he lay on his bed and looked up at the copy of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel on his ceiling is a very expensive nightmare
2 O Beloved Fernwood EVERY MORNING the Birnbaum chauffeur whose name was Monroe drove the limousine up to the front of the house Jeremiah would come down the grand staircase carrying his briefcase and wearing his school uniform blazer striped tie gray pleated trousers and shiny black shoes His parents would be waiting at the bottom to inspect him They would make sure his tie was knotted properly his shirt had no spots of juice on it and his socks matched Monroe was supposed to hop out of the limousine and open the back door but he knew Jeremiah hated that So he let Jeremiah open the door himself Unless of course his parents were watching
Where to Jeremiah Monroe said one morning in October He was supposed to call Jeremiah Master Birnbaum but he knew Jeremiah didn’t like that either Anywhere Jeremiah said São Paulo Brazil Tempting How about school instead Can’t you be like a chauffeur in a movie The cool kind who just does what the kid wants I’m sympathetic Jeremiah I really am But we don’t have enough gas to get to São Paulo And I do think you need at least a grade-school education The Fernwood Academy had been founded 103 years earlier by Lincoln Fernwood iii the richest man in town It rose up on a hill above the town and looked like a gigantic haunted house with narrow spires and leaded windows and gargoyles Every morning at assembly the students sang the school anthem O beloved Fernwood We pledge our hearts to thee Do teach us well so that one day We’ll run this fair countree Parents paid outrageous fees to send their children to Fernwood But there were also a small number of scholarships for bright students whose families could not afford the tuition One of those students Luella Marshall
