Contents 1 I wanted a dog 1 2 My guinea dog waits at the front door her leash in her mouth 6 3 I pity celebrities 11 4 Speaking of freaks here comes Lurena 15 5 I’m almost positive guinea pigs can’t open car doors 19 6 A person can’t run away with a broken foot 27 7 Fido isn’t too fat to fall through sewer grates 34 8 Our fun was ruined by a girl and her hamster 40
9 What I Would Do if I Were Presidog of the United States of America 47 10 Maybe you can unteach a dog tricks 51 11 You’d whine too if you were in jail 57 12 Yes I wore earplugs to bed that night 62 13 Dude I need you to train my guinea pig 66 14 Ten reasons a rodent can’t replace a dog 72 15 I turn the house upside down 79 16 I’m not in the mood to hear about hairy clawed frogs 85 17 DMITRI = DIMWIT 89 18 I am never in the mood to hear about guinea pig bloat 94 19 Lurena turns the house upside down 98 20 Dad found me in the Dump 105 21 The socks gave him away 110 22 Dogs don’t build nests 113
23 Piñatas are twisted 117 24 Tiny turkeys 121 25 One 126 26 No 131 27 It’s not my birthday 135 28 Singing is for the birds 141 29 The new bike is fast as lightning if lightning goes sixteen miles an hour 148 30 Proof my life is weirder than weird 153 31 I’m too young to be a grandpa 160
