9 What I Would Do if I Were Presidog of the United States of America 47 10 Maybe you can unteach a dog tricks 51 11 You’d whine too if you were in jail 57 12 Yes I wore earplugs to bed that night 62 13 Dude I need you to train my guinea pig 66 14 Ten reasons a rodent can’t replace a dog 72 15 I turn the house upside down 79 16 I’m not in the mood to hear about hairy clawed frogs 85 17 DMITRI = DIMWIT 89 18 I am never in the mood to hear about guinea pig bloat 94 19 Lurena turns the house upside down 98 20 Dad found me in the Dump 105 21 The socks gave him away 110 22 Dogs don’t build nests 113
23 Piñatas are twisted 117 24 Tiny turkeys 121 25 One 126 26 No 131 27 It’s not my birthday 135 28 Singing is for the birds 141 29 The new bike is fast as lightning if lightning goes sixteen miles an hour 148 30 Proof my life is weirder than weird 153 31 I’m too young to be a grandpa 160
1 I wanted a dog I got a guinea pig instead At first I was devastated How could my mom think a guinea pig could replace a dog I knew she was just trying to be nice but still Mom knew I was crushed that my dad wouldn’t let me have a dog The guy doesn’t like dogs Is that nuts or what He has a long list of reasons why he’ll never let me have one I have a long list of reasons why I want one But his reasons always win Why Because he’s the dad He works at home He gets to make the call He’s the umpire and the dog is always out So Mom brought home a guinea pig and guess what Dad didn’t like it either What does the guy like Quiet Order Perfect grammar The guy’s as much fun as a standardized test
He insisted we bring the infernal creature back to the pet shop but when we did Petopia wasn’t there anymore In one day it had closed up and disappeared for good So instead of a dog I got stuck with a guinea pig I named her Fido the name I’d been saving for the dog I’d been wanting all my life and tragically would never get But as it turned out Fido is no ordinary guinea pig She does a lot of strange things She growls She howls She whines She pants She barks She yaps when someone is at the door She snarls at the mail carrier She bites the mail carrier She obeys commands She sits heels speaks and rolls over when I tell her to
