1 I wanted a dog I got a guinea pig instead At first I was devastated How could my mom think a guinea pig could replace a dog I knew she was just trying to be nice but still Mom knew I was crushed that my dad wouldn’t let me have a dog The guy doesn’t like dogs Is that nuts or what He has a long list of reasons why he’ll never let me have one I have a long list of reasons why I want one But his reasons always win Why Because he’s the dad He works at home He gets to make the call He’s the umpire and the dog is always out So Mom brought home a guinea pig and guess what Dad didn’t like it either What does the guy like Quiet Order Perfect grammar The guy’s as much fun as a standardized test
He insisted we bring the infernal creature back to the pet shop but when we did Petopia wasn’t there anymore In one day it had closed up and disappeared for good So instead of a dog I got stuck with a guinea pig I named her Fido the name I’d been saving for the dog I’d been wanting all my life and tragically would never get But as it turned out Fido is no ordinary guinea pig She does a lot of strange things She growls She howls She whines She pants She barks She yaps when someone is at the door She snarls at the mail carrier She bites the mail carrier She obeys commands She sits heels speaks and rolls over when I tell her to
She licks herself She licks my face She licks my face after she licks herself She eats dog food She begs for table food She eats meat She eats cheese She eats pie She eats poop She eats dead things Her breath smells like meat cheese pie dead things and poop She runs up to me when I come home from school She chews up my homework She chews up Dad’s shoes She chews bones She buries bones She buries Dad’s shoes She sleeps at the foot of my bed She dreams she’s running Her little paws wave in the air She snores
She walks on a leash She wears a collar with tags A cat collar actually but she doesn’t know that She marks her territory She runs alongside my bike She chases cats and squirrels She plays with dogs She sniffs them She gets in fights She gets fleas She plays Fetch She plays Tug-of-War She catches Frisbees She sleeps inside a little doghouse with her name painted on it She runs for help when I fall in a river and break my foot She takes care of me when I’m laid up with a broken foot She defends me from evil She’s loyal steadfast and true She needs me
