The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World
SQUIRREL GIRL And now you walk a narrow stone bridge over a lake of bubbling lava he was saying The other creatively dressed teens began to step carefully through the grass Because it was just grass Not lava Though Doreen caught herself looking to make sure Out of the lava rises the forsoother said pausing for effect a red dragon Doreen looked around for a dragon just in case As far as she knew dragons were imaginary but after all she was living in a world where a photo of Thor the God of Thunder buying sha warma from a street vendor currently held the Twitter record for most retweets so YOU JUST NEVER KNEW what was possible.5 Aah cried out a pale blond girl in a belted nightgown and knee high leather boots Not a dragon I choose to fight it cried out another girl in a belted night gown her black hair full of ribboned braids She raised a sword Yonder scaly fiend's hide will decorate my mead hall Hey there said Doreen You guys look and sound really interesting and I would like to be your friend They all stared at Doreen frowning This was not the reac tion Doreen had hoped for 5 I think that photo went viral because that shawarma looked soooo delish Mom thinks it had something to do with Thor not wearing a shirt 6 Ideal reaction Yes please We've been hoping that someone EXACTLY LIKE YOU would find us here so we could make her our BFF Or something I'm not super particular 6
SQUIRREL MEETS WORLD The forsoother stepped forward I am the baron of this domain You maiden are trespassing Go on your way or you may summon the wrath of our guardsman the he giant Derek Facepunch The tallest of them hit his palm with his fist in what Doreen guessed was supposed to be a menacing gesture Doreen smiled apologetically for not feeling menaced So said Doreen are we friends now or Begone said the forsoothing baron Now to our adventure Lady Blightbringer de la Poisonarrow slay the dragon YAAAAH screamed Lady Blightbringer She slashed at the air with her sword Okay Doreen whispered As she turned to leave one of the boys jogged over to her Hey hi uh sorry about that he whispered under the noise of Lady Blightbringer attacking the imaginary dragon He held out his hand to shake I'm Sir Reginald Foxgood well to nor mal people like you I'm Vin Tang We're LARPers you know Live Action Role Players We like to dress up and pretend to be in a fantasy world which is a totally reasonable thing that mature people do 8 7 It didn't occur to me till now that it could have been an invisible dragon and not an imaginary one I should thank Lady Blightbringer for saving us just in case 8 I suspect Vin Tang has had to defend LARPing to judgey people before
SQUIRREL GIRL Oh But it's a closed group That's what the baron was trying to say Sorry It's okay said Doreen Normal people like you If Doreen showed them her squirrel tail would they think she was cool and invite her to be their friend Or would they just dissolve into sticky puddles of sorrow that they didn't have tails of their own Doreen sighed Maybe squirrel friends would be easier to make than human friends Doreen checked to make sure the LARPers weren't watching her and then she climbed a tree It was a huge old oak and she scrambled up the trunk like a spider climbs a wall Or rather like a squirrel climbs a tree with ease A little brown squirrel on a branch leaped back when it saw her Hi there Sorry I didn't mean to startle you she said I'm- The squirrel ran away She climbed higher discovering a pair of squirrels trembling staring at Doreen with eyes wide Don't be afraid said Doreen I'm like you She turned and stuck out her bum See that big booty It's not that big by itself I'm hiding a squirrel tail The squirrels ran down the tree and away
SQUIRREL MEETS WORLD Okay then we'll just compare tails some other time she called after them a bit defeated If they had seen her tail Doreen wondered would the squirrels squirrels have liked her But she knew she couldn't show them Ever since she was a little girl her parents had drilled it into her WHEN IN PUBLIC HIDE YOUR TAIL Suddenly a gray squirrel was right in her face chittering mouth open teeth bared OH Hey there said Doreen Chukichit chit said the squirrel gesturing menacingly with one tiny fist I'm sorry said Doreen I wasn't trying to encroach on your territory I just wanted to introduce myself You see back in California I had lots of squirrel friends like Monkey Joe Pippy Longtail Gamma Phi Pie Roscoe and Murph- The gray squirrel sneezed It was not so much a pardon me I got a bit of pollen in my nose hole sneeze or even a headcolds headcolds amirite sneeze Rather more like a good day madam I said GOOD DAY dismissive sort of sneeze And with that the squirrel turned tail and leaped into the next tree Sorry Doreen said softly She barely had a moment to feel bad for herself when from the next tree she heard the opposite of a squirrel sneeze 9 I'm not translating this because it's pretty rude But to be fair if she'd known that I could understand squirrel language maybe she would've been nicer Maybe
