The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World
SQUIRREL GIRL Doreen nodded Her tail swished as if it were excited to get outside Just don't stay out late okay punkin said her mom The real estate agent warned us that Shady Oaks isn't like our old neighborhood where it's safe to roam around after dark No sweat Doreen bounded down the hallway jumped from the top step to the bottom and opened the front door Here I am New Jersey she said Doreen Green age four teen Over five feet tall and not an inch mean Inspired by her name sometimes she liked to rhyme It wasn't her strongest skill She stepped outside and felt a pleasant but alarmingly unfa miliar sensation a breeze tickling her tail hairs Doreen her mother called from the top of the stairs Your tail Doreen leaped back and slammed the front door shut She hadn't made that mistake since she'd been tiny and barely old enough to understand that girls with squirrel tails have to hide them snugly away Everyone who saw you would feel so sad that they don't have a tail too her mother always said Above all we must be kind Hide your tail keep your secrets secret Doreen had always suspected there were other reasons to keep this particular secret secret Secret reasons in fact But Doreen dutifully tucked her tail into the seat of her pants It was mostly fluffy fur and fur compacted pretty well
SQUIRREL MEETS WORLD Good girl said Maureen Doreen opened the front door again but she didn't feel like rhyming anymore She felt half as clever half as strong half as interesting Half herself She sniffed the air detected the direction of tree pollen and squirrel nests and turned left Off to make friends and climb trees The neighborhood was old The trees were so large their roots had grown under the sidewalk cracking it from below The houses were mostly two stories standing close together and at attention A breeze rustled discarded cans and wrappers in the gutters and sent litter rolling down the sidewalk The tree smells led Doreen to a large neighborhood park A soccer field there was crawling with kindergarteners kicking in the general vicinity of a ball and occasionally at each other Their parents pointed frantically at the ball and shouted Kick that Kick that Over a hillock on an expanse of green Doreen spied a few people around her age They were wearing sort of belted nightgowns with knee high boots and hats long vests and lots of leather Was the fashion in New Jersey so different from California Their apparent leader was a kid with deep brown skin his hair a short Afro under a feathered cap He sported a terry cloth cloak and kept calling out Forsooth Forsooth Doreen had never met anyone in a towel cape yelling For sooth before She was intrigued
SQUIRREL GIRL And now you walk a narrow stone bridge over a lake of bubbling lava he was saying The other creatively dressed teens began to step carefully through the grass Because it was just grass Not lava Though Doreen caught herself looking to make sure Out of the lava rises the forsoother said pausing for effect a red dragon Doreen looked around for a dragon just in case As far as she knew dragons were imaginary but after all she was living in a world where a photo of Thor the God of Thunder buying sha warma from a street vendor currently held the Twitter record for most retweets so YOU JUST NEVER KNEW what was possible.5 Aah cried out a pale blond girl in a belted nightgown and knee high leather boots Not a dragon I choose to fight it cried out another girl in a belted night gown her black hair full of ribboned braids She raised a sword Yonder scaly fiend's hide will decorate my mead hall Hey there said Doreen You guys look and sound really interesting and I would like to be your friend They all stared at Doreen frowning This was not the reac tion Doreen had hoped for 5 I think that photo went viral because that shawarma looked soooo delish Mom thinks it had something to do with Thor not wearing a shirt 6 Ideal reaction Yes please We've been hoping that someone EXACTLY LIKE YOU would find us here so we could make her our BFF Or something I'm not super particular 6
SQUIRREL MEETS WORLD The forsoother stepped forward I am the baron of this domain You maiden are trespassing Go on your way or you may summon the wrath of our guardsman the he giant Derek Facepunch The tallest of them hit his palm with his fist in what Doreen guessed was supposed to be a menacing gesture Doreen smiled apologetically for not feeling menaced So said Doreen are we friends now or Begone said the forsoothing baron Now to our adventure Lady Blightbringer de la Poisonarrow slay the dragon YAAAAH screamed Lady Blightbringer She slashed at the air with her sword Okay Doreen whispered As she turned to leave one of the boys jogged over to her Hey hi uh sorry about that he whispered under the noise of Lady Blightbringer attacking the imaginary dragon He held out his hand to shake I'm Sir Reginald Foxgood well to nor mal people like you I'm Vin Tang We're LARPers you know Live Action Role Players We like to dress up and pretend to be in a fantasy world which is a totally reasonable thing that mature people do 8 7 It didn't occur to me till now that it could have been an invisible dragon and not an imaginary one I should thank Lady Blightbringer for saving us just in case 8 I suspect Vin Tang has had to defend LARPing to judgey people before
