Outside lightning lit the sky for a few seconds and then all was dark again The smell of kerosene kerosene from the oil lamp permeated the kitchen The f lames f lickered wildly inside the lamp’s glass as if partnering with the storm raging outside Except for the occasional roll of thunder the only sound in the room was the cracking of the pecan shells Two hours went by Samuel could barely keep his eyes open Elena seemed absorbed by each nut cutting cutting the meat out carefully They all knew Amá would be paid more for intact halves than for fragments Amá Petra finally said looking at the clock on the kitchen wall it’s already eight I have a history test tomorrow Can we stop now Not yet Amá said getting up and scooping scooping more pecans from the burlap sack on the f loor Let’s finish the bag She dumped another mound of unshelled pecans onto the table Elena groaned but kept shelling Samuel stif led a yawn Petra eyed the new heap of pecans I think they’re cheating you at the factory Amá I know we shelled more than what they paid you for last week Amá shrugged I told you before she said evenly They pay us less when we shell at home 4
We could get in trouble with the law if they find out we’re doing this away from the factory We’re lucky no one has reported us Another hour passed Petra looked at the clock again I need to study for that history test tomorrow Can’t you work a little faster Petra snapped at Elena Elena sulked I’m going as fast as I can My fingers fingers hurt Look at all these little cuts Leave her alone Amá said She’s still learning to spoon out the nutmeat in one piece Amá’s arthritic hands also bore tiny cuts as did Petra’s And Amá’s eyes were puffy from lack of sleep Most nights Petra heard her sobbing in her room long after everyone had gone to bed Amá hadn’t been the same since Papá died She seemed to have aged before Petra’s eyes Although she was a pretty woman with a slight build creamy skin and a f lawless complexion she looked older than her forty-two years She’d always worn her hair pulled back in a tight bun but now the effect was especially severe Her face sagged in layers the skin hanging loose not having anywhere else to go Worry creases spread across her once smooth face Would they stay there forever 5
The smile was gone the laughter too Even the dangling gold earrings that Amá had worn daily were no more Petra suspected she’d had to sell them Her only remaining jewelry was her simple wedding band which she never took off even though she was now a widow At last the bag was empty Samuel headed to the outhouse and Elena went into the bedroom she and Petra shared Petra used her hand to sweep the empty pecan shells off the table back into the bag Amá stood up and poured herself another cup of coffee from the speckled blue pot Her eyes met Petra’s We need to talk she said Petra’s stomach tightened What’s wrong She and Amá rarely talked Not the way some of Petra’s friends did with their mothers Petra had once seen Carmela and her mother at their kitchen table heads close together browsing through some magazine whispering and laughing at something only they shared At first Petra had been jealous Then she’d been overcome by an ache in her chest An ache that made her want to cry for what was missing in her life Only three when her real mother had died of pneumonia Petra still remembered her scent 6
Gardenias Whenever she caught a whiff of gardenias gardenias she felt a yearning for something lost And now Papá was gone too Petra’s pain was like a bruise on her heart that would never heal If she could only share that pain with Amá If only her stepmother would hold her close Had Amá ever hugged her Petra couldn’t remember And now she wants to talk Amá sat back down at the table her eyebrows drawn together We’re behind on our expenses Even with all of us shelling we’re bringing in less than four dollars a week It won’t cover the house payment let alone everything else we need Petra’s knees shook under the table like they always did when she was scared or nervous Papá had always said she got this from her real mother Amparo With a hand on each knee Petra tried to stop the trembling We’re managing she started but Amá cut her off Look around you The icebox is almost empty We’re low on oil for the lamps We’re down to a few mesquite logs for the woodstove You need shoes Your brother needs shoes and pants There’s no money You need to get a job 7
